You love me like XO!

In the darkest night hour
I’ll search through the crowd
Your face is all that I see
I’ll give you everything
Baby, love me lights out
Baby, love me lights out
You can turn my lights out

In recent times i have realized that there are two versions of me – one that believes in this crazy idea of being in love and the other who barfs at the thought of settling down and committing life long to someone for love. Its very confusing and i keep trying to wonder what is it that i really want.

Maybe i have attended too many weddings or hung out with people who love to be in love or talk about falling in love, but my personal understanding of what i really want is still a mystery. People say as one grows up and matures we eventually all want the same thing – someone to have as a companion and share a life together. But is that because the thought of breezing through life all alone is so scary that we want to keep sticking to this belief to make us feel better?

I have been single for a very long time now. There have been good phases and sad phases, but as of now i only know how to be happy on my own. Its been a trial and error situation but i have finally mastered the art of enjoying my own company and not living or dwelling in self pity. But there are some days when i read a good blog or i see someone in love and wonder what that world could be like?

I want to enter that world but need to have the option of getting out of that world without getting hurt. Since that is not a possibility i am always trying to avoid situations or meeting people who can take me into that world. When you know the physical pain of being heartbroken you dont really want to let yourself feel it anymore.

A big change in my personality is that i have become selfish. Selfish to want my own space, selfish to not wanting to share whats really bothering me, selfish to not want to have to deal with his issues. It has taken too much time to become self contained but when you are your own person being selfish just becomes a virtue.

In my own world i still have this grand idea of love, i listen to music (lyrics mentioned above) about falling in love, i watch movies (before sunrise, serendipity)  that make me cry and i have this unimaginable idea of a man who fits into my world so perfectly. This faceless idea of a man (with a very good body nevertheless) allows me to enjoy all the mush that’s around me. But all i have to do to get out is open my eyes. 😉

As i turned a year older and none the wiser contemplation and confusion is all i have left.

 

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