All our lives from the time we were born we have always been waiting for something.
As I was in the car with a good friend of mine, she suddenly said “aah nivi, I m so tired of waiting. Waiting for the next thing to come to make things better”
This comment made me start thinking of the number of things I have waited for to happen in my past 26 years.
During my school years I waited. I waited for the teacher to notice me. I was the average student. I was not the girl who came first in class or the girl who flunked. And being average never got me noticed. I waited for the day the teacher would call out my name and select me for some event or some badge.
My earliest memory of waiting goes back to class 5. I had entered my name in an art competition like all the other kids in my class. I sat in the bus to go to the drawing competition venue with the 30 other kids. When we landed at the venue and saw the list of kids from my school, everyone’s name was there but mine.
They said technical error and I was made to sit in a corner and told to wait. I was told to wait till my teacher was having a shouting match with the organizer about the goof up. I waited and waited but the all India competition couldn’t accept my entry and I did not end up drawing. I came home and cried and for the first time in my life felt left out. My parents told me it’s a one off goof up and made me draw at home and framed and put up the picture.
The next time I distinctly remember where I waited and prayed for something to happen was in my 9th grade. I wanted to be a badge holder. I thought everyone who had that badge wielded some sort of power in school. In 9th grade we were only selected to be lowest in the badge holding chain – house representative. But at that time I wanted it so bad.
I would pray and try to be part of activities so that I got noticed. During the selection process, 4 students from my class were selected and as my luck would have it, I wasn’t. My 9th grade teacher who knew how much I wanted the badge came and told me… “So what if you don’t get this badge, wait for grade 11 when you will become the head girl. That is the real badge”.
Thus began my wait to for the next 2 years to get that coveted badge. Since my parents had a transferable job I had shifted and moved to another school. But somehow the hope of that badge never left me. I waited for the day my new school had the selection for the most coveted badges and made sure I put my name in the list. After a few days the interviews happened and I was my confident self. I walked out of the interview with a positive feeling and hoped even if I don’t get the head girl, becoming the deputy head girl would also be awesome.
A week later and I still didn’t know the final list. Everything around me was hush hush. One day during my chemistry class, a notice informing us about the investiture ceremony for the new badge holders was to happen 2 days later, In front of the whole school.
That’s when I realized the people who had made it had been informed quietly and were practicing for the ceremony separately. I was the fool who was waiting to hear her name to be selected. That’s when I realized I would never be a badge holder ever. All the waiting was pointless.
The day before the ceremony, during my practical class a senior teacher walked in asking for me. She told me that I had very little time to practice but the girl originally selected to be the sports captain dropped out and they decided on me. I was the substitute sports captain. J
TURNS OUT THE MOMENT I STOPPED WAITING FOR IT TO HAPPEN IT HAPPENED. I was the sports captain and a badge holder for my school.
As I struggled with science in grade 12th I secretly dreamed of studying in Mumbai in my dream college. I started nursing this dream and researching courses that I could do in that college.
All the while my parents were filling entrance exam forms for medicine and dental colleges. I filled the form for the advertising course and convinced my parents to allow me to compete in that entrance. Being an average student my parents never did think I could make it in my dream college where 1000 kids were competing for 60 seats. To an extent they were correct. I didn’t make it. I was put in the waiting list for the course and informed by the head to keep waiting for a few weeks and if no one leaves the course, to apply the next year again.
So again, I was waiting. Waiting and praying every day. Along with the waiting and praying I never did make it to any of the medical colleges or dental colleges either. So I was enrolled in a local college for a course in history and political science. Every morning I would wake up praying and hoping the wait list would magically lead me to my dream college.
One month passed by. I was travelling to the local college and not understanding anything I was studying in history and behaving like a wreck. My parents sat me down and told me to stop waiting and wake up to the reality. This was my future and next year if I was ready I would try again at making it to that college and starting a year late.
So I cried myself to sleep and stopped waiting. I stopped praying and stopped dreaming. 15 days after I stopped waiting, one day I reached home from another boring day in college. My parents were sitting on the dining table and staring at me with an expression I didn’t understand. And then my dad said “Pack your bags, you are heading to Mumbai”. Everything after that sentence was a blur. Within 2 hours I was packed and in a bus with my dad heading to my dream college for the course I was on the wait list. Turns out only that year the government decided to increase 20 seats in my course. I was on the wait list of that magical year when it happened. And the next day I was sitting in class with new faces, of the college I dreamed off and studying what I wanted to really study. TURNS OUT I STOPPED WAITING AND THINGS JUST FELL INTO PLACE.
Every step off the way, we have to wait for things to fall in place. But it’s the time period where we are waiting which makes the thing we waiting for bigger than it’s supposed to be.
And when that happens, all that waiting becomes useless because we have created a dream sequence in our heads that’s bigger than what it was supposed to be. And it disappoints us.
Every now and then when I am waiting for something to happen I have to remind me of what the reality is and what I am creating in my mind. So, that I am not disappointed at the end.
Currently along with me, my family is waiting. Waiting, for me to find that perfect man who will be my partner for life. And in this case I have created a dream perfect soul mate in my mind. (nopes, I couldn’t stop myself). I GUESS THE DAY I STOP WAITING HERE I L FIND THAT SOULMATE. ;)
It’s like finding that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.